this is not a nice poem, but it might be funny if you've never met me.
There are a lot of occasions for which there is no Hallmark card:
-Sorry you're house burned down, belated,--because they couldn't send it without an address.
-Sorry you're 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65 etc and still single-- because it's not nice even if you do wish they had someone and have a few blind dates to set them on-- and the reverse of sorry you've been married for 5, 10 , 20 etc is also not nice.
-Sorry you lost your job, with a holder for a gift card-- because maybe someone else is helping them out and better not to mention it in case they've found one already.
-We're glad you won the lottery-- because people aren't usually that glad-- go buy yourself a card...
-Sorry your dog died-- because the card companies are just catching on that my neighborhood has four dogs for every one person, and that people prefer to be grannies to dogs when their are perfectly good children available who have no one to bake them home-made dog biscuits.
-Don't worry about Social Security failing, enjoy your vacation in Spain-- because kin tend to keep gripes to themselves and settle on complaining about the t-shirts they get from traveling relations.
-Sorry your ex died-- because this one is complicated and is hard to say whether its in the condolence section or not.
-Happy Birthday to my step-daughter twice removed--because when you are a kid where both your parents get remarried, you have four sets of parents and if they both get remarried twice and so on you could have eight sets, and a complicated week end schedule, not to mention how you are related to who-- is muddled, and by then the kid may not want a card from you and who could remember that many birthdays of children who aren't your own without a maid named Alice to help out?
-Divorce Cards-- this is a market that would be helpful-- Cards with your new name and address would let people know how to reach you. Even a reverse wedding might be in order. And cards back to the couple would be like reverse wedding cards: greetings, questions, jokes, insights, family tree notices of addition or removal, and rumors etc. All this could be appreciated, but then again they may not, so better not mention it.
-Congratulations on the raise-- because people really don't have time for this many cards really, and they didnt' get a raise, so how are they going to buy one for you. Get one yourself.
-Glad to know you had good weather-- this is an under appreciated market. people are so interested in my weather.
- Sorry you lost a pregnancy-- these may be unavailable despite the rumors of fifty some percent of pregnancies ending early, because of the culture war over weather a fetus is a baby or not, and it is "indelicate."
-Sorry about the PMS-- likewise
- Happy surviving the summer-- cards to stay at home moms or dads are simply non-existent. This is because they have plenty of time to make their own cards right?
-Saw you on Facebook-- is a card that is really needed. Friending goes unnoticed when you hit over two hundred. It would be nice to know if the "accept" button meant there would be any further communication.
-Rejected you on Facebook-- this is an especially useful card because you'd like to know if your old high school friends still hate you, or are just serving in the peace corps.
-Thanks for the organ--again this a squeamish topic, the family of a deceased donor may not want this card and the family of a living donor may think a card is a little under the mark.
-Sorry for disowning you -- this would be helpful for people with hardening arteries who yell a lot, the reverse would be helpful too, Disowning you--It would be good to know if your relatives had disowned you or just forgotten that you still lived on Pine street.
--Happy graduation from potty training-- would be okay and might be useful to the very young or very old.
--Congrats on the hybrid-- Not needed, people with new cars with low gas mileage can afford to come see you in person right?
--Congrats on finishing your ...-- Not really needed, as comments can be made online about everything right?